Reverse Psychology
by imSiriuslyLupin4you
Summary: James tries  badly  to cheer Remus up, after he is publicly humiliated, using reverse psychology  and fails , and Sirius realizes how beautiful Remus truly is. Pre-Slash. Sirius' POV


**This is for my WONDERFUL beta **Blood Everlasting. **I owe her my sanity. She is, like, the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I am truly thankful for her. She wanted 'funny fluff' and that is what she is going to get! BECAUSE IT'S HER BIRTHDAY! Or it was on Sunday... XD**

** SUMMARY: James tries (badly) to cheer Remus up using reverse psychology, and Sirius realizes how beautiful Remus truly is. I got the idea for this fic from the play 'Me and my Dick'. If you haven't watched it, you should. It's by the same people who did AVPM and AVPS.**

**WARNINGS: Pre-slash/one sided of the SB/RL variety. **

**DISCLAIMERS: I Own nothing but the plot. Starkid Productions own some quotes, Patrick from Spongebob owns the 'Ugly Barnacle' story, Tim Minchin owns another quote, and whoever wrote 'The Ugly Duckling' owns that.**

**Enjoy!**

I, Sirius Black, Marauder, animangus, and all around ladies man, have a killer headache, bordering on a migraine. I'm in my dormitory with two of my best friends James Potter and Remus Lupin. James is 'attempting' (I use this word lightly) to cheer Remus up, because the boy, who he had been in 'love' (again, I use this word lightly. No one could love a guy as thick headed as Connor McLaggen) with had just publicly turned him down. Now Remus was completely incapable of doing anything but cry hysterically while James and I attempted to comfort him and Peter ran back and forth between the dormitories and the kitchens, fetching chocolates and ice creams and other unhealthy comfort foods.

"Here, fat ass." James (who was doing a terrible job making Remus feel better) shoved a half empty carton of ice cream towards the bawling sixth year. "Have some more Rocky Road."

"I feel like I'm going through a rocky road myself!" Remus wailed and started to shovel the ice cream into his mouth through tears. I have never seen anything so pathetic.

"Remus, eating all that shit isn't doing you any good." I tugged the ice cream carton away from Remus. He let it go and fell into my lap sobbing.

James snatched the carton back, and gave it to Remus who he had tugged off of me. "Shut up Pads, go stick your nose in someone's crotch."

"You leave Sirius alone!" Remus yelled. His voice was muffled. "He is perfect, and English, and did_ NOTHING WRONG_!"

"_Did I tell you to stop eating, Fatty_?" James bellowed, making both Remus and I jump. "You eat till you are as _fat_ as you are _ugly_!"

Remus started to eat. "That'll take _forever_!" he sobbed, tears dripping down his face.

"Rem, don't give up hope!" I smiled reassuringly at him. "There's bound to be someone out there that still thinks you're attractive!"

There was a long pause. "…My Mummy?"

I snorted, trying not to laugh. "No, she doesn't think that, but someone out there _does_."

"Well then, what the FUDGE happened today?" Remus screamed and collapsed forward on the bed.

"_Yeah_… fat ass." I glared at James, but he ignored my nonverbal warning. "I mean you may be really annoying… and kind of a know it all… and a total _butt face_… but you're Remus bloody Lupin! You're a Prefect! You- you're a friggin _Marauder_! And that's enough to make even a loser like _you_ cool. Cool like me or Sirius. Or fun like Peter. Or attractive... like Snivillus."

"You're not helping!" I muttered.

James held up his hands in defense. "I'm just saying… that you may not be cool, or fun, or attractive, but you are a _prefect_… and you are _smart_. And if_ I_ were McLaggen, I would have _loved_ to have a boyfriend that could do my Ancient Rune homework for me and get me out of detention."

"Maybe he just hates me!"

James stood up and glared down at Remus, obviously upset that his 'cheering up' tactics hadn't worked. "Shut up Remus. God. Just turn on the record player, listen to depressing love songs, and cry yourself to sleep! I'm done with all this cheering up crap." And with that, James stalked away to his own bed and yanked the curtains shut.

"Okay." Remus said softly. He pointed his wand at the record player in the corner, and the next moment some angsty Mozart piece came on. Remus curled up into a ball and closed his eyes. When I was pretty sure that Remus was asleep, I stood up, and stretched, making my way to the showers.

As the hot water was relaxing my muscles I thought about Remus and what James had said to him. I really had no idea what James was talking about when he said that Remus was ugly, when actually he was quite…. Attractive in his own way. With his soft walnut brown hair, and his wide hazel eyes that sometimes changed with his mood and the light, and his open sweet smile…. I don't even remember where we got the whole 'ugly anti-social potato faced loser' idea from anyway. I mean, sure he was a bit gawky, but it was cute in a baby horse type of way. And _sure_ he may have inherited his mother's slightly large nose and his father's big feet but it was kind of endearing. And, yes, I admit that he was painfully thin… but I blamed that on his 'anti-vegetable' policy, running from Filch, and his werewolfy metabolism. He was actually pretty fit… and his arse was bloody gorgeous-

Wait a _hot _second! When did I start thinking that Remus Lupin's arse was bloody gorgeous? …That round, plump, juicy arse that was just begging me to give it a good smack… _No!_ _Down boy_! I looked down at my rapidly rising… _*ahem*…_'little Siri', (Well, more like 'BIG Siri', but whatevs) and willed myself to think unsexy thoughts. McGonagall and Slughorn… McGonagall and Hagrid… McGonagall and Filch… Filch and Mrs. Norris… Filch and Mrs. Norris 'punishing' McGonagall in 'detention'… Remus… Remus in bed… Remus in 'detention'… with me-

!

_NOOOO_! _What was I thinking? _I'm Sirius _freaking _Black! I'm a Marauder! I play Quidditch! I'm a _Marauder_! I cant be _gay_! I just _cant_! I'm not even _attracted _to blokes… in _any_ way, shape, or form… _really_.

"S- Sirius?" Well, speak of the Devil and he shall appear.

My whole body stiffened, (and yes… I do mean my _whole _body) and I groaned (in a _completely_ non-sexual/aroused way…) "_What_ Moony?" I snapped, hoping to drive him away before he could see my little (i.e. big) problem.

Remus shifted nervously. "Do you… do you think that anyone will ever love me?" He asked in a small voice. He didn't even seem to notice BIG Siri.

"_NO_!" Shouted James from outside the bathroom. "_NO ONE WILL __EVER__LOVE YOU!"_

Remus made a small sad choking sound in his throat and looked down at his fluffy slippered feet. That's when he saw my quite impressive (if I do say so myself) boner. He blushed (Remus, I mean… not my dick) and it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life.

"I- I- I… um… I didn't mean to… mean to interrupt… I- sorry… sorry…" Remus clamped his hands over his eyes and turned around, accidentally bumping into the doorpost, before running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

I sighed and looked down. Why did it always have to pop up at the most inappropriate times, often getting me into hilarious misadventures, and make things awkward for everyone? Damn it…

I quickly finished showering (after first taking care of my inappropriate lower body/genital arousal symptoms) and left the showers dressed in naught but my skivvies, for I had left my jammies in my trunk. Peter had come back with a plate of cookies while I was in the shower. They were sitting on Remus' bedside table, and Peter's bed curtains were shut. I started to root through my messy trunk and pulled on some jammie pants and was looking for the matching jammie shirt when I heard a muffled sob from Remus' bed. Abandoning my quest for my jammie top I went over to see if Remus was all right.

"Hey, Moons… are you okay?" I opened the curtains and found a shaking, Remus shaped lump underneath the crimson covers. "Rem…?"

"Go way." The lump said in a muffled voice and curled into a tight ball. "I'm too hideous to be seen!"  
>I rolled my eyes. "You're not hideous-"<p>

"_Yes you are_!" James called from behind his closed curtains.

Remus wailed. "SEE?"

I scowled. Stupid Prongs… "Can you hold on for a few moments?" I asked Remus. The lump shrugged. Stalking over to James' bed, I yanked the curtains open. "What the hell are you playing at, you bloody Wanker?" I hissed, climbing into James' bed, and shutting the curtains behind me and casting a silencing charm.

"What are you talking about?" James glanced up at me from his _'Which Broomstick'_ magazine. "I didn't do anything."

I felt my eyes bug out. "You didn't do anything… _You didn't DO anything_?" I screeched. (In a completely manly manner of course…) "Do you have _any _idea what you said to Remus?"

James sighed like he was talking to an overemotional toddler with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. "Seers, it was for his own good."

"_HIS OWN __GOOD_?" I was glad that I had put a silencing charm on the curtains, or else I would have probably woken up the entire tower. "Remus is in his bed, _crying _his poor werewolfy _heart _out, and you are _telling _me that it's _for his own GOOD_?"

James snorted. "Remus isn't crying… he's much too smart for that. He _knows _that I was only using 'Reverse Psychology'!"

"My left eye twitched. "…what?"

"Reverse Psychology." James said simply. "It's this thing when you say the opposite of what you mean. Evans told me about-"

"_I know what it means_!" I snapped. Then I closed my eyes and struggled not to hit James over the head repeatedly with his magazine, the idiot… "Prongs… I'm not completely sure that Remus realized that you were…_ trying, _and I use that word lightly, to use Reverse Psychology on him. He thinks that you actually _meant_ what you said."

James snorted. "Why in the name of Merlin's saggy left testicle would Remus think that? He's, like, the best thing since the thing before they had sliced bread."

"Yes… _I_ know that, and _you_ know that, but _he_ doesn't."

James blinked, and suddenly looked very guilty… or more guilty then usual anyways. "So… so when I said that no one would ever love him… he thought that I really meant it?" I nodded. "Well, fuck a moose." James muttered. "I guess that I'd… I'd better apologize." He pushed past me and climbed out of the bed, and I followed him over to Remus'. "Hey Moony?"

"Weh?" Remus poked his head out from underneath his covers. "Have you come to laugh and point at me?"

James winced. "No… I've come to apologize."

"For what?"

"For calling you an ugly potato faced loser."

Remus closed his eyes. "But I _am_ an ugly potato faced loser. I'm like the ugly duckling… except I never turn into a swan… just an ugly _duck_."

James sighed. "Remus, have you even heard the whole story?" Remus shook his head. "Okay, I'll tell you the story 'The Ugly Duckling': Once Upon a Time there was a very ugly Duckling. He was so ugly that everyone _died_. The End!"

"…That didn't make me feel any better…"

I punched James' arm. "That's not how it goes, you daft nincompoop! Even _I _know the story, and I _never _pay attention in Muggle Studies!" I sat next to Remus' head and stared down at him. "Once Upon a Time a mother duck hatched her eggs and, while most of her ducklings are normal, one of them is grey, too large, and too clumsy to fit in with the others. Though she _tried_ to accept him, the entire barnyard realizes that he simply does not belong and after a period of harassment he leaves to fend for himself. He wanders for the entire summer and fall, for no one will take him in, and he nearly freezes to death in an icy pond. Though a human rescues him, he cannot live in captivity, and he goes back to the wild. By the end of winter he is miraculously still alive, and comes to a pond, where beautiful white swans are swimming. He is drawn to their beauty, though he has no reason to think that they will treat him better than anyone else has. Still, he thinks, even if they kill him, he must approach them. To his surprise, the beautiful creatures welcome and accept him; gazing at his reflection, he sees that he too is a swan. The children declare that he is the most beautiful swan of them all, yet he is not proud, for a good heart is never proud. Because of all that he suffered he now appreciates his happiness so much more… don't you see Moony? The Marauders are the swans that accepted you… and the mean barnyard animals are the people who rejected you because of your lycanthropy."

Remus flushed.

"Wait a moment…" James frowned slightly. "So no one dies?"

"I don't even want to know what version you read…" I muttered. "Anyway… Remus. You are a wonderful person, and you shouldn't let _anyone_, including Antler Boy here, put you down. McLaggen was an idiot to turn you down. It's not like it would have worked out between you two anyways…"

"Why not?" Remus asked sadly. "Is it because he's too good for me?"

"NO!" Both James and I shouted at the same time, and Remus looked at us like a deer caught in headlights. I took a deep breath. "First of all, Moony… _you're_ too good for _him_. And second of all, people don't usually meet their soul mates when they're sixteen-"

James threw a pillow at my face. "EVANS AND I ARE _SOUL MATES_!"

I tried to explain. "It's just that most teenage romances don't really last-"

"WE WILL LAST TO THE END OF TIME! OUR LOVE WILL BE RECORDED AS AN EPIC LOVE STORY! NO LOVE SHALL COMPARE TO OURS!"

I held my hands up in defense. "I'm not saying that it isn't _possible_, but given the role that chaos inevitably plays in the inherently flawed notion of 'fate', it's obtuse to deduce that you've found your soul mate at the age of sixteen… It's just mathematically unlikely that you happened to stumble on the _one_ bloke on earth _specifically _designed for you-" James hissed, sounding like a pissed off Mrs. Norris, and I shifted away from him. "And if I may conjecture a further objection, love has _nothing_ to do with 'destined perfection'. The connection is _strengthened_. The affection simply _grows_ over _time_… Like a _flower_, or a _mushroom_, or _a guinea pig_, or a _vine_, or a _sponge_, or _bigotry_… or a _banana_. And love is made more powerful by the ongoing drama of _shared_ experience and synergy, and _symbiotic empathy_ or… something."

James stared at me. "… you used big words…"

"Shut up. Moony is rubbing off on me." I snapped… and then I thought about what I had just said and tried not to let my mid wander more than it already had… it needed a shorter leash.

"Sirius is right." Remus sniffed and sat up.

"He is?"

"I am?"

"You are." Remus smiled softly. "Thank you… and sorry for getting so emotional earlier. You know how I get when I'm PMSing."

James choked. "_What_?"

"Pre-Moon Syndrome." Remus said slowly. "What did you think I meant?"

"…nothing."

Remus shrugged and climbed out of the bed. "I'm going to take a shower." He smiled at James and then pulled me into a tight hug. "Thank you…" He whispered before releasing me and walking up to the bathroom.

I could only stand still, staring, shocked and sighing while James simultaneously juggled his stack of silly magazines and dumped them on the floor. "Night Pads."

"Night…" I muttered, but James had already pulled his curtains shut. I stared at the closed bathroom door and heard the shower running. Steam was leaking out from the bottom of the door. I winced. Remus only took showers that hot when he was upset. I tiptoed over to the bathroom and opened the door. Remus' back was to me. His skin was reddish from the scalding water and his shoulders shook. I could hear quiet sobs over the sound of the running shower. He was obviously still upset from earlier… I decided not to let my presence be known. Instead I turned to the fogged up mirror and quickly scrawled a message to Moony, before hurrying back out of the bathroom and into my bed, before yanking my curtains shut around me. I can't believe that I just _did_ that! What if Moony took it the wrong (right) way and started avoiding me? I heard the shower stop… Moony has probably seen the message by now. I heard the door opening and the soft padding of bare feet against the carpeted floor. I pretended to be asleep, and not a moment to soon, because a second later my curtains were tugged open.

"Padfoot?" Remus whispered. "Sirius…" I stayed 'asleep', even when He began to shake my shoulder. I could not bring myself to look at Moony right now. Evidently Remus had given up because a few moments later I could hear him waking away and getting into his own bed.

I opened my eyes and mentally kicked myself. I should have said something just now... sighing I turned onto my side and thought about the words that I had written on the mirror.

"_Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it."_

_~ Confucius _

_But I see yours…_

_~SB_


End file.
